Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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