The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
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You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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