I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
