The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
