Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
