Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
