My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
