I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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