I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
