Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
