Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
