You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
