You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
