She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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