Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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