the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
