now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
