1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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