Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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