last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
