i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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