I was born with a shot glass in my hand
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
