dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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