Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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