it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
