If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think we might need a safe word for this...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
