My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
