Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
