Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
