I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
