My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
