I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize