when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
