I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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