ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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