If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
