I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
