My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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