Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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