Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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