yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
