My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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