Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
