i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We need to get me chipped asap
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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