I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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