The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
