my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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