My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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