Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
