Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
