I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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