he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
