Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
