My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
