Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
