I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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