Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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