I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
