i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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