I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
