im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
