Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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